an excerpt

i want to feel warranted for feeling the way i do. yet, from you i get nothing. but i'm giving myself the authority to feel regardless of expectations, rhyme or reason. for what it's worth you turned my gaze. it's not your fault that you don't know the enormity of doing so. you don't really know me or the ways in which i erect walls and tend to push rather than pull. yet, you know me. solely by observation, reading body language and tone of voice. so as much as you don't know my story, almost hoping to understand me rather than the bags i carry, you have intrigued me by the way in which you approach me with little fragility. you will not let me wear my 'handle with care' badge across my chest, because doing so would define me in ways that you don't see me. never have i felt so transparent. never have i felt so opaque.
****

pg 52

'That's why you'll never know. Years will go by and you'll never know. I will never say the things that I want to say to you. I know the damage it would do. I love you more than I hate my loneliness and pain. Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have.'

-henry rollins

***

Follow Your Bliss

It seems the storm hit me just as life had seemed to be getting a little more organized.

I do want to believe Jospeh Campbell, American mythologist and writer extraordinaire. He claimed that we must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. We must trust the changes that happen...

Today, I find myself unable to let go.

skttrbrain

embracing uncertainty. falling in love with things i do know, and rediscover all the time. giddy from the initial paint touching a white canvas. completely in awe of a love, and better yet, understanding between two people i respect everytime i see them laugh. i will not be misguided by the thoughts of having things figured out. why it is that people feel the need to stand firmly somewhere is understandable. always in serious relationships, or always looking for one. life not beginning until the next serious obstacle is overcome...but there's always something. yet i find that there is something exhilirating about welcoming the idea of knowing nothing and having no expectations for a stage in your life. if we accept the fact that we don't need to know who we are, what we are, where we're going, all the while searching we could be more content. how often did you think you had things figured out, only to look back and laugh at yourself?

on the mind: how you made me fearless at my most vulnerable state.
in the ears: skttrbrain, radiohead
on the canvas: abstract

troppo tardi

One day you're going to wake up and realize how much you care for her and love her, and when that day comes, she'll be waking up next to the guy who already knew...