p.s.

i haven't felt beautiful in 10 months. how did he manage to steal that away from me?
***

and....action!

advice of the day:

for those who wonder why the world keeps shitting on them...do something about it. stop feeling sorry for yourself, the world shits on everyone.

you can't live in opposition to what your body and soul want. too many people go against the innate feelings they have and spend most of their lives trying to fix the outcome of doing so. live in harmony with what that little voice is saying.

word.
***

believe me natalie...

i was overcome with memories that made me smile today. a simple song popping up on shuffle at work made me a bit nostalgic. some people claim that nostalgia is an outlet for those who aren't happy in their current lives...this i disagree with. i simply cherish so many people in my life and i am grateful for every moment, which at the time may have had no significance, but today puts the "happy" in my "ness". music can often bring me back to particular events or people in my life. today it was the old killers album. plane to spain. nikki had a new mini ipod (yea i talk about music a lot!) and i bummed it off of her for a bit to give it a listen. i feel like our lives were so different then...that was three whole years ago! marriage, (divorces, ha!...sorry had to put that one out there), new jobs, relocations, new bad habits, broken ipods... but no one needed to tell us not to take things for granted...to live it up. madrid greeted us...the metro with huff dragging her oversized suitcase down the stairs, pms-ing boys back home on payphones paid for by fake phone cards, 7 floors of different music, Victor!!, olives stuffed with what??, dancing, the son of a duke of spain and his crew, toledo, sweaty bus rides, sharing single beds, waking up to sam rubbing my belly, english boys with bad teeth, scary indian guy selling beer, art, mini ice creams and huff's disappointment with the large one, sam's flawless spanish while drunk in the cab ride that stopped at no red lights, cats sleeping at the palace, nik's excitement with chinese food, singing guantanamera with a band on las ramblas, almost making the sunset on the beach, damn sandwiches, hot pink shoes...

****

echo

damn, lady. i prayed that you were wrong. no such luck. resurrect the wall, but this time build it with metal...

mantra of the day: "we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do".
the most powerful word in the english language: resist.

***

track 13

i live for the small momements. the ones where i connect with a complete stranger who holds the door open for me. the man who walked and dodged the falling drops of water from melting snow on roofs with me for an entire two blocks. i can't put my finger on what was so deep about that ten minutes. perhaps it was the genuine laughter that erupted between us or that he waited for me while i tucked my hair into my hat. he was shopping for his ex-girlfriend. despite the fact that he just met me, he understood the meaning of my raised eyebrow. yea, he said, she has the grip of death on my heart. i imagined what she was like--the girl from new york who wore stylish urban clothes, the girl who didn't want to marry him. as he walked backwards facing me while he talked, he talked with his hands a lot, i realized that i admired this man. to trust a stranger with so much of who he is. he is a spoken-word poet, a writer, a freelance photographer. his family is cuban and his mom makes the best empanadas. bearded, kind eyes, a small ring in his nose. what type of spontaneous interaction makes two people feel safe to share so much? it wasn't the type of interaction which ended in an exchange of phone numbers. we respected the the moment we shared for what it was. we parted ways with a loose embrace, while we stood in a puddle of muddy water.
***

in our heaven

lately, i've been depressed. not the kind of depressed where i lay in bed, face in my pillow, but depressed because i'm tired of the world and the fact that i'm stuck at my computer all day trying to figure out how to formulate a paper instead of putting my mind, body, spirit toward things i believe in. depressed that i'm trying to understand my place in this big mess of a world and remain conscious of things that i think i have no control over. yes, i made a huge mistake investing into a mutual fund with an 11-12% return when i was 19 and now i cringe at the thought of what type of corporation my money is going to and how many people i am affecting because of my mistake. i don't eat particular food, wear certain clothes, and have vowed to never wear a diamond again. what did that cook that's making my food have to go through to get here? and who the hell made my underwear? because our actions and decisions do matter. i'm depressed that people say they want change and think some politician will do all the work for them. you can choose to be comfortable and keep your eyes closed because it's easier. but your heaven is always someone else's hell. and there's someone in this world who is affected by your actions (or lack of actions for that matter). someone who believes in love the way you do, who loves the way the sky turns pink during rare sunsets the way you do, who finds relief in art on a stressful day the way you do, someone who is praying you don't get too comfortable.

truth of the day: i'm scared to death, and i'm sorry for that.
nostalgic memory of the day: dancing in firas' kitchen one year ago.
quote of the day: i hope for your sake, you don't wake up as broken as i am.

***