scattered

i considered starting a new blog where i could write without anyone seeing it, because i'm scared of people being judgemental. but we all think alike; it's just most people are too scared to express their deep inner thoughts. i understand why, especially when you're going through a shaky phase. to all those who are in their blissful stage, the rest of us will meet you there eventually. so here's the thoughts i shouldn't say aloud (oh, and please keep in mind it's very late and my scattered thoughts may make no sense tomorrow, but regardless they are important):

i want to be alone and to be happy. a pipe dream to believe that i can have both. if you know the following quotes you know that i am free in thought inspired by the writings of a man who died searching for what in its simplest form resembles solace. i thought i was justified in my desire upon reading his quote early on in his journey, "happiness isn’t found in human relationships." he goes on to say that happiness is all around us, and although isn't a firm believer of a particular religion, he mentions that god allows happiness to be everywhere. he was aware of the pain that humans cause one another, and abandoned everyone he knew to seek a spiritual cleansing. i wish i could say i never hurt anyone, but i have hurt myself which inevitably causes me to hurt others. i push people away out of fear and i keep people close because i'm scared of being alone--both are selfish and cowardice. there's a thin line between independence and detachment/self-absorption. there's a thin line between who gets pushed and who gets pulled. is it selfish to want to discover happiness in myself? or is it more selfish to want to find it in some sort of human relationship? are both actions the result of fear--one of being hurt, one of being alone? so many thin, blurred lines. a human relationship caused me to suffer, or was it me who continually allows myself to suffer? before his death at the age of 24 he said, "happiness only real when shared." it seems that the one thing that causes the most suffering is the thing that allows happiness to exist.

***

another one bites the dust...

i'm tired.

and he's cheating on you, but it doesn't matter, because you'll stay. you'll stay because it's easier than walking away.

and just for the record, i'm not strong. but i'm trying and that's worth something.

currently: trying to forgive god.

revised

i deleted it cuz it was whack. i get it.

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."

i've had it both ways, i don't want it either way...

***

V for.....vapid?

there are always numerous choices actually, says one of the wisest men i know as he catches me in a flustered state of being. advice that i never knew was possible--that's how i feel every time i talk to him. that's who i am these days--one who takes advice. i use to only dish it out, and i still am if anyone needs some dishing, but i've been more of a receiver lately. it is true, i can't control the way someone feels, at times i can't control the way i may make someone feel, i can't control how someone deals with his/her feelings (even if it may seem childish)--i am not in control. but how i react is in my control..and i have always been one to try to react with dignity and honesty. and then here's my thought process: yeah, but how people deal with things is just plain rude at times. wise man, as he chuckles: yes, but deal with it. so i deal with it. it would be an ideal world if people would know how to directly communicate with one another. but we all need to deal with things in our own way. i'm not sure how to alter my way in order to deal with another person's way...i can't promise it'll be pretty. to my friend who has never made me feel warranted to be angry at ANYONE, even if they have truly deserved it, i am slowly working to reach your level. somehow you claim that i contribute to our friendship, that i actually have something to offer you. so, if it's that i make you laugh and boost your ego, well then i'll take it as my point of contribution.
bring home some sand for me...
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suckitup

sitting at my favorite coffee shop yesterday, I heard a woman talking about death over lunch. it was strange and i didn't know what to make of it. her mom had died recently and she told the story with so much composure. it was one of the saddest stories i've heard and yet she was able to remove her emotion from the conversation. i mean she was saying, "it is one of the hardest things i've ever experienced", but they were just words. i guess there comes a point where you have to remove your feelings from a situation in order survive. how much strength this woman had to share her story between bites of spinach and artichoke dip. i felt ungrateful and weak. since my grandfather passing a month ago, i haven't talked to my dad about it. mostly because he's the one person that it truly pains me to see sad. i've only recently started to visit memories of him in my head...the stubborn man with a youthful face.

currently: chills, sweating, then chills again and slightly delirious.
what i want: a really big hug
on my mind: you, and the uncomfortable distance between us
***

tightly laced

I want to jet without looking back,
but you got me stopping dead in my tracks
Outcomes are uncertain because of my inability to open
Choking,
on my words articulating themselves into colorful murals on walls
I can paint it any color you want, but when you say my name they won’t fall
Abstract, modern, sadness blended with bliss
You see, someone used to call me his beautiful goddess
It wasn’t a deity between the sheets kind of adoration
I was his Om, the ultimate height in meditation
Elevation
Blinded dedication to a man who had no intention
to back words with action
forgive him, God, for he knows not the reaction
love redefined, or rather indefinable
Displaced blame, but I know I am the one with sins unforgivable
Because I have led you here
Should have passed the test before I began to steer
Crossroads, dead-ends—they all begin to look the same
How patient you are to want to bring me to truth without playing the game
But the truth is that I sit at the tombstone of us each day
Shoes tightly laced—the only promise I can offer is that I’ll run away

****

random first liners

quickly, shake it off!
the emotions on your sleeve
love is too risky
~

share a story with yourself over some coffee.
they don’t know you, nor do they care to.
deny the ugly, and turn the world beautiful.

~

currently: lost between thoughts

word of the day: fuck

clumsy act of the day: attempting to sit on a chair that wasn't there with my nephew in my arms

where are you, and what have you done with you?

page 82

"art is not the imitation of life, but life is the imitation of a transcendental principle which art puts us into communication with once again." -antonin artaud

"images bury history..."

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